Dare to Tri, Twice

I did it.  I sucked up every ounce of courage I had and paraded in a swimsuit all over the beach for the better part of an hour, surrounded by more attractive, fit, and better clad men and women and their sleek bodies.  That was the hard part.  The swimming, biking, and running was easy after that.  OK, "easy" is perhaps the wrong term.  But it certainly is a battle of personal will not to hide in the car, refusing to come out, feeling intimidated by all the people with thin, muscular legs around me, most of whom have no idea how much harder it is to battle weight than to battle those waves crashing to the shore.  I mentioned once to a friend that it is kind of hard to do these things - I certainly don't fit in.  But I can finish the race, and I'm just not going to let my own embarrassment stop me.  I just won't.  My friend suggested that that was quite remarkable - that I didn't let my size stop me.  I don't think it's remarkable.  It will be remarkable when either or both of the following finally happens (and we're making progress in both): a) my body is in a shape I can be comfortable with; b) I simply don't give a darn what my body looks like in comparison to others, because I know it's beautiful.  Those two together are much of why I do what I do.

So, yep, I completed my second sprint triathlon of the year.  In a couple of ways, this tri was a bit more difficult.  The waves in the ocean were enormous - enough to cause me to jump into them literally with a prayer on my lips that I would make it to the other side alive.  But once I moved forward into them, my heart settled down, and while I felt battered, tossed, and a bit tired, I felt generally calm and strong.  I was and am not ever fast in the water.  But I can swim forever, I have noticed recently.  So it was yesterday.  I was not the last of my heat to finish, but almost.  A few people around me got on the raft with the life guard and had to be taken to shore.  But, although I was slow, I made it.

The bike was so much better than last time.  I borrowed my friend Carri's bike.  It's a nice road bike, but with regular pedals.  I was blown away at the difference!  In the last race I didn't pass a single person, and was passed by so many - from speedy racers to old guys on mountain bikes.  It was rather discouraging.  Yesterday, I passed at least 10 people - possibly more.  I really didn't count, I was just joying in the speed and power I felt.  I have decided it's time for me to put aside a fund for a decent used road bike.  Somehow.

And then the run.  I struggled in the June triathlon with pain in my lower back as I ran, and had really stretched the week before trying to prevent a repeat.  But I failed in this regard.  Utterly failed.  The pain began on the bike (again, same scenario) about 2/3 of the way through, and then intensified as I ran.  It was so bad that I had to intersperse my running with walking about every 5 minutes.  I walked about 1/4 of the 3.5 miles, but ran the last 3/4 mile and finished strong (cursing that blasted sand the whole last 100 feet).

Aside from a back feeling a bit sore, I have really felt good yesterday and today.  I find it strange that I can really be so much larger than most everyone else, but keep up rather well.  I saw one woman, truly my hero, who was probably double my size, beginning the running (she was walking) as I was completing it.  Then after the race, as we were driving away, I saw her coming in.  She had done it.  I guess that's what this is about for me.  No matter the obstacle, the weakness, the excuses we can all make, I want to always be engaged in the struggle to be better than I am today.  In all things.  The triathlon is just one aspect of that struggle for me.

Part of that struggle is to accept me as me, while pushing forward to improve me.  I think as I accept me as me, it allows me to accept others as they are, and walk with them as we grow together.  That was the way it felt in June as I ran with Sylvia and Carri.  They ran with me, alongside me.  They encouraged me, stretched my aching back, and made what was rather painful a much more pleasant experience.  They both could have run much faster, gotten a better time.  But they had nothing to prove.  Just friendship.

Anyway, now I'm musing out loud.  But one last thought.  So many people have told me they can't do what I did yesterday.  That I just won't accept. Almost anyone can, really.  You choose to do it, and you do it.  Now whether you can choose, that is perhaps deeper philosophically and psychologically than I want to go right now.  But I have come to believe that most of us are much stronger than we think we are, capable of much more than we think we are.  Fear is what stops us, not the waves or the back pain or anything else.  So, I join with Nike and say, if you want to, just do it.

Ah, the life

Camping in the Wind River Mountains

And this, my friends (Christy), is why it takes me so gosh dang long to get on here and write a blog! No, not the beautiful mountain, but the effort in getting it here for you to enjoy! Almost every time I do, I get distracted trying to update it, change some of the pictures, etc. And then, two hours later, I haven't even accomplished what I set out to do, with nothing to show for the time! I detest technology! It sucks my life away. BLAHHH!

(My hike up Mt. Monadnock with Bryan and Estiven)

But, let me cease my grumbling and give you a little run-down on my life post-nanny. The PhD life, as it turns out, is the life for me. Whenever I tell that to someone, they chuckle cynically and tell me to wait until it comes time for my dissertation. Yes, I suppose I will not be singing such a blissful tune then, but I prefer to live in the moment at

this moment. I have my own little cubicle space, with a desk and computer, free access to a printer/copier (no limits or supervision - but don't worry, I think we all respect that trust and use is appropriately), as well as a supply closet with office and study supplies free to my perusal. My little office spaceis on the third floor of a building almost at the top of the "Brandeis Hill" that I have so oft bemoaned, and from the large, expansive window, I can see much of the campus, and a greatmany trees. You all know how I love trees. I have so much more time to study (although, this may or may not change - I'll explain), as well as attend extra lectures or classes I want/need to attend. I can't tell you the sheer joy of being able to registe

r for the research skills class, look at my schedule, and know that I can, indeed, go with no conflicting work! I think I am also reveling in the hope that, since I applied for a pass early, I will be able topark in a lot closer to my building, and not have to hoof it all the way up the hill later this year.

But I think I have gotten just a little ahead of myself. I enjoyed one of the best visits to Utah/Wyoming I have had to date. This is partly because m

y visit was interspersed with lovely mountains and hiking, and partly because it was generally conflict-free. James has become much more pleasant since he has decided that he wants to - and to go on his mis-

(Our camping spot on the river - Dad reading in his cot. Also, James and his girlfriend Alex canoeing across the first Green River Lake)

sion. In fact, he is waiting for his call as you read this! Tyson has been a bit humbled by his recent difficulties (turns out he is not the salesman he thought he was, and has to live at home to get some debts paid off), and Cisco is pretty easy-going all the time. But my biggest success was in the preemptive chat I had with my dad beforeheading off to the Wind River Mountains to go camping. He is so tired - he has been working so much overtime. And he gets impatient when we beings of lesser intelligence don't do things when or how he thinks they should be done - and family vacations can be nightmarish when he gets grumpy, and then the rest of us follow. But he made a concerted effort, and we had a great time. I also got to see lots of friends and loved ones, and had wonderful, thought-provoking conversations. It was just the refresher I needed before jumping off into the sea of studies ahead.

(Hiking with Christy in Millcreek Canyon)

Dovie was happy to see me return. I wasn't sure if he would be - my landlady took care of him, and she sent me pictures periodically of him playing delightedly with her dog Ginger. But he spent several minutes trying to peel my face with his tongue, and then chasing me all over the yard. Since then, he has been a bit more clingy (crying when I leave him in the car at the store), and has taken to "sharing" my bed. We play a nightly game of "King of the Bed", and so far I am undefeated. But he is a very good, if restless, dog. And I don't know where on earth he got those ears!

(No text required here)

I should tell you that the administrator of the Schusterman Center (the center at Brandeis dedicated to Israel Studies) just asked me to work for them part time this semester (5-10 hrs/week). This could be a very big blessing - as long as I can keep up with my studies. I said yes, and was received with much warmth and enthusiasm from the staff. They already know me, and just need a little help with data entry, so it should be good. And I do it whenever I have time, so that's also a positive. Maybe I can get a jump on those student loans, eh? If you want to check out my little bio at the Schusterman Center site (as a student, not worker), here's the link.

http://www.brandeis.edu/israelcenter/about/scholars.html

That's all I have to report.