I've been telling everyone else, and I suppose I might as well write down and record my recent ponderings and self-realizations.

Some context (as if you already don't have enough): I have never been especially good at questions. Well, I suppose that isn't altogether true. As a child, I was particularly good at pondering the world around me. But the vapid school system, and my desire to be “good” and not push limits or think the wrong thing, succeeded in quenching my thirst for knowledge, and I lately find myself being challenged by my stunted ability to question. Just question.

I'm still pretty good at pondering, as long as it doesn't require reaching outside of myself for answers. That is where I fall short. My research skills – and ability to just know what's going on around me – really are lacking. It's a frustration that I am trying to overcome.

But in the midst of this ever-present lack, I have also felt myself growing. True, it is by meager steps – and I'm sure it would be much faster growth if I could just discipline myself to study in a more dedicated, efficient way. But I am growing. I feel as if I have entered a new and exciting phase of my life, and I want to talk about it.

As I struggle to think more critically about the things I'm learning (interesting note that I should have known before, but somehow didn't really understand – the more knowledge one has in a topic, the more one is able to think critically about a certain piece of literature or scholarship relating to that subject. Hence, one needs to really immerse oneself in the subject – be it the gospel, Israel, or any other topic), I am finding that it is OK to question. This is a new and wonderful realization. It is so liberating and sweet. I can remain firm in what I know, and question elements of it at the same time. It doesn't mean I have a weak testimony, or that I am not a good member of the Church. A publicly-acknowledged feminist can be Stake Relief Society President to a staunchly conservative Stake President. She can work successfully within her bounds, while at the same time questioning and pushing those bounds. I can have a place and work within the kingdom and still make waves in that kingdom. I don't have to just fit a prescribed image of womanhood and femininity. This is big news for me.

I am finding that I can be OK with me – something I have been striving to achieve for a long time. I have begun to heal from past wounds – both those I inflicted on myself, as well as those inflicted on me from a very young age. I am learning to love myself, to see myself as more than what I did as a young child (oh the irony of that – most of us want to return to the innocence of youth, while I would simply love to erase much of the memories of mine).

In my youth I questioned and thought – and that is something I lost. That I can return to. I rejected the traditional style of girlhood, but as I approached adulthood, I began to repress that side of me, believing that, in order to be the right person, I had to embrace the image I thought was the proper LDS girl, for the most part. Granted, I have always been my own version of that, but to a large degree I have lost some of my youthful questions and sense of difference - and joy in difference. I was persecuted for years for my difference, and instead of embracing it, I conformed. Now I am learning to think again, to relish my difference, and it is joyous.


Here are some photos of fall for you to enjoy.