Another year, another set of firsts to accomplish

I considered whether to continue writing, now that I have accomplished my 30 firsts, and the general purpose of this blog is now completed. Clearly, I decided to keep going. Partly because I like pontificating and sending my thoughts out to the world. Partly because I'm not doing as well as I would like at keeping a journal - and this is something, at least. But mostly because I do have some friends who read, and I love them. I want to remain connected to them in some way.

The last few weeks, and up through the end of the semester, I'm sure, have become the "endure to the end" period for me. Truly. This move to Boston has been much more difficult for me than I imagined. (Good thing I didn't imagine it being so difficult, or I probably wouldn't have come!) I miss my family and friends tremendously - and any of you who know me well know that I get attached and find it difficult to detach and move on with my life. Missing major events in their lives (including football games, birthdays, new dating adventures, etc.) has really strained me emotionally. And that has affected everything else. I become easily distracted while studying, and have felt somewhat depressed and discouraged much of the time.

And then there is school. It is a constant feeling of not being smart enough, not knowing enough, and not being diligent enough to succeed. And if I don't succeed, then not only am I a failure, but I have thrown a lot of money down the drain - money I'm not sure I can pay off if I don't reach my goals. Add that to the (self-imposed) pressure of trying to be my best all the time, and an example of the Savior, and feeling like the example I'm setting is one of mere mediocrity and failure. All this pressure and emotion has made my life out here very challenging for the last few weeks. Of course, I try not to talk about that too much, because my problems and frustrations don't serve anyone - they only add to others' problems; they don't lighten anyone's day. But the feeling has been weighing on me for a while.

Then one of my friends recently noted that it sounded like I regret coming here. I didn't realize it, but it was a question I have been subconsciously asking myself for quite some time. Did I make a mistake? And the answer I tell myself, even amidst the self-doubt and discouragement, is absolutely not. I have felt led to this point. I don't know why, but I have received various witnesses that I can and will see miracles, if I'll just have faith. I trust that the Lord will open the path for me, and show me, someday, why I'm here, and how I can serve Him. And I'll succeed. That is the miracle.

I have always been keenly aware of my weaknesses (I know, those of you who know me also know that). But in my lifelong struggle to be better than I am, I have realized that I have one key strength. I'm not particularly talented in any given area, and I'm not as smart as I wish I were. I'm not even as diligent as I wish I were. But I don't give up. My gift is the gift to never give up. And I won't. And I'll get there, eventually. If God can be patient with me, so can I. I trust He will make of me what I am meant to be.

So, I'll stop moaning and dwelling on what's not going right, and instead focus on what I can do better. And I'm happy. And with the Holy Ghost in my life, I will always be happy, no matter what. So, friends, there's my thought for the day.

Oh, and I've decided that this year's goal is to read 31 new books - but that's impossible before my 31st birthday, so it's a lifelong goal. Read 31 great books - classics, ones that I should read but haven't yet. I'm making a list, so if you have recommendations, feel free to share them. I'm starting with the entire Bible. Sad - I have never read it cover to cover, completely. That is my goal for this year. So far, I'm almost finished with Genesis (I have to speed things up, if I'm going to finish on time!). It has been wonderful!